Yichun

It has been quite a while since I last blogged. In fact, I cannot even remember when was the last time I actually blogged. I have this sudden impulse to jot down my thoughts because of some recent events that set me into a sort of conundrum. I am confused as to who I should be. I have intended to spend this time doing up the captions and tagging for the photo albums that I have uploaded onto Facebook of photos taken at my birthday party but now I have no mood to do so.

Last month, I applied for the MPA Scholarship and as usual I was invited for a preliminary round of interviews. This interview required more preparation than usual because there was a presentation section as well. I prepared quite a bit of them as I was determined that I can pass a scholarship interview for once. My previous experience with the Imperial College professor helped to regain the confidence I need that I can actually speak during an interview. So I went for it, very nervous as usual. But I felt that I have managed to compose myself relatively well as and answered the typical questions with the best of my ability. All my preparations for those questions, interviewing tactics that I self-learnt from E-PREP course and library books should have helped me. I was feeling good about it, until I didn't receive any call from MPA by last Tuesday night for a final round of interview, which automatically meant that I have received a "silent rejection". My fourteenth failed interview? I have got rejected so many times I have lost count of it. Frankly, I always envy peers, friends and school-mates who got offers from scholarship boards and are spoilt for choice. I felt useless and worry that I will remain jobless for life, for I will not able to pass any interviews.

Perhaps it is my personality. Perhaps it is my small stature which makes it difficult to present myself as one with great capability and potential. Perhaps it is my typical "crazy" character that stultifies my intellectual and leadership capabilities that scholarship boards and employers are looking out for. I seriously do not know. I just know that it will be very uncomfortable for me to change into someone who is innately not myself just to impress. But pragmatism has its place. Even Singapore has decided to allow casinos on its land despite the possible negative repercussions on shaping people's morals. Come what may. I think that I have used that three words to loosely and would need to stop by now. I am undecided when it comes to aspirations and even what I am reading in university is merely based on popularity. I knew that I'll do better in science and hence I have decided to take up Chemical Engineering because of its seemingly better prospects. In addition, not to mention that double degree programme that I have applied for to read Chemical Engineering together with Business Administration because of my childish opinion of "having more is good". But seems like I will be the master of none. And I will be jobless. Friends around me are studying in NIE, reading law or medicine and have a general direction in their life. For me, I am just aimless.

Should I change to impress? I am unsure as it will be a torturous thing to do at least for myself.

Enough of ranting. I should be embarrassed enough for the whole huge chunk of bad English above. I just need to voice out when I want to within myself and this is it.